Wednesday, 28 December 2011
Inpatiently waiting ....
See I have a problem.
It's been bothering me since, oooh, June I think, actually yeah, June 6th to be more precise. June 6th is the first time I stepped foot on a plane this year, back to the place I knew would cause me trouble, but the place I can't keep away from nonetheless. Actually I'm telling lies, my trouble didn't start on 6th, because that was the Monday, and I didn't set eyes on him until the Tuesday. So 7th June, that's when it all started to go a bit Pete Tong.
I should've known he'd be trouble, he had a swagger, that spells trouble, right? But he was oh so pretty, the swagger didn't matter.
Fast forward six months and I'm definitely convinced that a swagger means trouble, no matter how pretty the face.
He had me at hello, or merhaba, and he has been giving me heart-shaped grief ever since. Yet for some strange and unfathomable reason I cannot walk away, I cannot let him go and for an even more unknown reason, I really don't want to let him go either. Despite his weird ways, which incidentally I'm not even sure he understands, I love him. It's that simple.
The boy, as he shall be known, made me feel alive and I'm sorry if that makes me sad and pitiful, but I kinda like feeling alive. He also makes me feel sad and like bawling my eyes out when he does one of his infamous 'leave me alone, don't call me' routines. Funnily enough, these routines always end the same way - him swearing blind he never said it, because he didn't mean it, and not being able to leave me alone.
Maybe we're both as bad as one another, knowing it's possibly a bit wrong, but not able to let each other go completely.
See the thing is, I don't really and truly believe it is wrong, I believe it could work, in fact, I believe it could be bloody wonderful, if he could just get over whatever the hell keeps making him act like, quite frankly, a dick. I have said how I feel, I've poured it all out, I've laid it on the line. You'd have been proud of me, I was very firm. So what now? Now I'm waiting for an answer.
Waiting very, very inpatiently.
I sort of got one, a week ago, it was quite positive actually, but now he's done a runner on me again and I have no idea what's going on. It's driving me insane.
So in the interim, whilst I'm going a bit madder than I normally am, I'm also starting to get angry. I'm pretty sure it won't be long before I fly into a blind rage, especially if this carries on into the new moon phase. God help us all.
Why do I let him treat me this way? I love the git, that's why. Why does he treat me this way when he's supposed to care? I deserve to be treated properly, surely? Yet all it takes is for his name to pop up on my screen, simply saying 'hello', and my heart is soaring and I'm smiling like a loon. There's something wrong here, surely?
I don't understand why he's acting this way, fine one minute and freaking out the next. What happens if we do decide to actually make a go of this and a serious decision crops up? Am I going to have to make it alone because he's freaked out and run away, back to the willage?! I thought I was the one that wasn't strong enough for this, I was wrong, I'm actually a bloody warrier princess compared to him, he's the one that's not strong enough.
For the love of god man, strap on a pair.
It's oh so easy to say, he's not acting good enough, walk away and find someone who'll treat you right, and yeah, if I was advising a friend, I'd say the same, but it's no way that easy in practice. The thought of never seeing him again makes my heart feel like someone's put it in the grips of a boa constrictor, the thought of him with someone else makes me feel sick and the 'what if' just makes me want to cry.
What the hell am I going to do?
A friend of mine put it best, you can't move forward because you're always looking back, and you can't look forward because something's pulling you back. Add to that not actually wanting to move forward without him, and you're spot on.
The only thing I know for sure is that this has to end somewhere, one way or the other. It is make or break. If he says yes, we'll try, and by god I'd give it every little bit of energy I have, and then some. If he stalls much longer, or goes off on one again, we're done. For good.
So the waiting continues.
Surely it's not meant to be this hard?!