Bleurgh!

Lurgy. Sniffling, snot-ridden, coughing, spluttering lurgy. One day before I go away for the weekend.

Oh joy.

My throat feels like someone's dragging a cheese grater down it, but I refuse to let it stop me dragging my sorry arse across Europe.

This weekend I will be frequenting Istanbul. Initially this wasn't the plan, initially we were meant to be taking a rather cold and rainy break down south, but like most things, plans change and instead we are taking a rather cold and rainy city break instead. Chicken kebabs and Efes here I come. Yes, I know, culture and all that, and yes we will be doing that, but we will also be doing chicken kebabs and Efes, and hell, have I missed chicken kebabs and Efes. You might have noticed, I happen to quite like chicken kebab and Efes.

What I'm not looking forward to is the hideously long journey ahead of us, considering we have to fly from Luton, which means the joys of National Express through the night. I'm not good when I'm sleep deprived and stuck in a confined space; I'm grumpy and irritable. What I do have is copious amounts of sugar, in the form of Mini Eggs, so I will no doubt be bouncing off the walls and driving everyone around me mad. Poor people.

Mind you, given the choice of sleep deprived Nicky or hyper Nicky, I'd urge you to pick hyper Nicky every time.

I've had a total packing nightmare these last two days just to top it all off. I had to buy a new suitcase, a smallish one that meant I could fit many, many clothes into a small, small space. Turns out this doesn't work. Turns out I do not travel light. In my defence, surely three nights equals three night outfits and four day outfits?! Apparently not, not if you're Mr Easy Jet and refuse to let women flying to Istanbul take more clothes. I think Stellios, or whatever his name is, just doesn't want me to fashionable.

So I've had to learn the art of micro-packing and mixing and matching. I'm not good at it, it's not a skill I possess. However, I have managed it, I'm just not happy with it. And just to put the cherry on the not-so-nice cake, the new case I bought was meant to be leopard print, it looks more like army print. Bloody misleading internet pictures. And then, then! Then my boots sprung a leak in the rain and decided to leave me with wet feet, so not only did I have to do a dash to Argos for a new case, but I also had to raid town for some new boots. I'm not happy with them either, they're ankle boots, I wanted knee high ones again. Turns out beggars can't be choosers. Grrrr ...

But anyway, my mantra is .... yeah you guessed it, chicken kebab and Efes, chicken kebab and Efes .....

Sweet rebellion

When I woke up this morning, I had to check that I hadn't been abducted by aliens in the middle of the night and transported back in time 15 years. No, this wasn't because I seem to have woken up with a spot that is threatening to take over my chin, no, it is because I am feeling rebellious with a capital R.

I wasn't really a rebellious teenager in terms of fighting, or going out and getting totally trollied on questionable vodka when I was younger, no that came much later on, when I realised that earning money in the week meant I could go out and drink fluorescently coloured alcopops at the weekend, whilst dancing on a rather unsafe depiction of a speed-boat, in an even more questionable bar, after shimmying ungracefully up a pole (yes, up a pole, takes some practice, let me tell you, and not easy in heels), then trying not to fall off said speedboat, or at least not whilst spilling any of my drink. No, I was quite a good girl when I was younger, too good actually, even though I was a little cow at home. So this morning when I woke up feeling like I wanted to go and do something completely spontaneous and something which I will probably regret next week, I wondered if the universe had decided it was time to make up lost ground and reclaim my teenage youth.

It's weird, but I strangely like it. So I'm going to dye my hair very red tomorrow, yes, it will probably end up orange because it's already meant to have red in it (although I'm sure I was sold a duff with that hair dye, because it's only red in certain lights - definitely not what it said on the box). And secondly, I'm going to have my nose pierced. Tastefully of course, I'm not going to go the whole bull-ring thing, a nice sparkly little stud will do nicely. I'm having to do some research first though, I've heard that the side you have pierced means something in some places, I don't want to have the right side pierced only to find out later that it means 'slapper' in Hindi, or vice versa. So if anyone can shed any light on this before I go ahead and get someone to stick a hole in my nose, I'd be most grateful.

I might even get another tattoo .....

Has this rebellion got something to do with being 30 (whisper that quietly) in July?!

I think it may have something to do post-man syndrome. You know, when you go through a break up, how you're meant to get a new hair cut? Well I don't want a new hair cut, I'm growing my hair so that wouldn't be helpful, instead I'm going to dye the mop red and turn my nose into a sieve.

And if it all goes wrong, the best thing is I can blame the boy! Not my fault at all, not my idea, and nothing to do with my bad judgement. No, it is all down to he who shall not be named. Sorted.

I do like this idea, I could do all manner of things and claim insanity due to being emotionally battered and bruised. Hmm, where to start ....?!

This week, apart from my regression in years, I've been out every night for various things, and y'know what, I'm not quite sure how I'm going to cope with staying in for the day tomorrow. Turns out, I quite like being a social butterfly, I've not done it in far too long. I'm learning what it's like to have a social life again now that summer is over and I can't jump on a plane at regular intervals, which unfortunately has the nasty side effect of draining the bank balance and running up the credit card bill. Don't get me wrong, I am skint with a capital S, it is January after all, and my plastic has taken a hit, but I've felt the need to be with my friends and I've made the effort to try and lift myself out of the funk that the boy has put me in. I say I've tried, I'm not saying it's necessarily worked. See, it's all his fault again. My credit card bill is now his fault too. This excuse I like.

My first Konad attempt

I have also made a wonderful discovery that has made me smile more than "he" has in the last few weeks - Konad nails. Oh my days, it's the most wonderful invention ever. Well, maybe not 'ever', I'm sure the hoover, fridge and the wheel might have something to say about that, but it's definitely epic.

For those of you that don't know, Konad is nail art stamping and it's oh-so-easy that even I can do it under the influence of wine. Yes, I'm drinking wine too. This is also his fault.

You can find more stuff on this wonderful invention, that is Konad, not the boy, here.

Unfortunately, with January, comes the obligatory depression of bad weather and very busy travel agents. I've spent most of the month, well when I've not been out zumba-ing or drinking hot chocolate (rock n' roll), looking at Travel Republic again. This is an addiction that is threatening never to leave me. I don't really want it to if I'm honest, I like holidays, I get a rather worrying rush from pressing 'find flights' and waiting, wondering if I can get a return to Dalaman in peak season for under £200. Not happening I tell you. What I did find was a very cheap week in May, one that I am very tempted to book, as a nice little prelude before the annual two weeker later in the summer at some point. Well I say annual, it wasn't really annual last year was it? I spent more time on a plane flying back and forth over Europe than I did going out in my own town. Mind you, can you blame me? A night out in Ches Vegas ain't really the high life. But anyway, I'm half dreading summer and half stupidly excited. The dreading part is because I seem to be incapable of not settling into normal life in summer, I'm always wanting to be elsewhere. This tells me something. Unfortunately the bank balance does not agree.

Grrrrr.

One day, defintely one day.

The grass ain't always greener

This week has been ..... oh god, this week's been weird. Up and down, emotional and just draining. I don't think it's just me either, I've spoken to at least two of my friends who both feel like their lives are going nowhere. Maybe it's January, maybe this is what this hideious month causes us to feel - a total lack of hope and an overwhelming desire to change things, but not really knowing where to start.

If I'm honest, I know the root of my unhappiness, well the main one anyway, and yeah go on, roll your eyes, groan and stamp your feet, but yes, it is the boy that is causing me this. I can't let go. I've tried, good lord, I've tried, but I just can't do it. The thought of life without him in it, in whatever capacity, just makes me feel ridiculously low. The funny (and not ha ha) thing about it is that him being in it seems to make me feel ridiculously low as well, when he's acting this way anyway. When he's being alright, it's like the highest of highs. I think maybe he's my drug, one I need to kick I guess most people would say. I just worry that I'll never find anyone again that I feel so strongly about.

I'm just not at the point where I can walk away without feeling like nothing is ever going to be right again. But I suppose the question is, am I ever going to be at that point, because really, does that point really exist?

You know what the most stupid part of it is? I could hack it, just about I think, I could if I could get the thought of him with someone else out of my head, because that thought makes me want to pull at my own hair. And this is because I have a nasty feeling this will be with someone I know, someone who would quite like to get back at me for daring to have a mind of my own. I know I can't control someone else's actions, and to be honest I think he might have a little bit of sense than that, but it seeems my mind likes toturing itself with such thoughts.

I need to get away. I'm desperate for a change of scenery and some excitement. I'm living at home at the moment, and nobody knows about my little heartbreak in the house - can you imagine what they'd say?! "What were you thinking getting involved with a Turk anyway?" I can just hear it now, and because of that, the sympathy is at an all time low. Which doesn't help because quite frankly I feel lonely, like no-one understands and like all I want to do is cry, but I can't even do that because someone hears me sniffling and wants to know what's wrong. As if going through this alone isn't bad enough.

I gave him one last chance this week ....  I won't know the outcome for definite until in 10 days' time, I have suspicions but not definites. I can't really say what it is right now, because people really will think i'm more mental than they already do. If it works, it'll be amazing, if it doesn't, I'll be in bits. But I'll have my answer with no more what ifs, and there literally will be nothing more I can do. So what choice will I have but to walk away? It's a shame that you have to risk complete and utter heartache to get your final answer.

In attempt to get out of the house, I made a point of catching up with some old friends this week. What became glaringly obvious is that nobody is happy with their life, no matter how perfect it looks from the outside. I'm sure they won't mind me saying this, it's not like I'm naming names after all ....

One of my friends, from the outside looks like she has the perfect life, loving husband, nice house, two kids, cars, and all that. It turns out she's unhappy with the way she looks, even though there is absolutely nothing wrong with her in the slightest, and she wants to get out more and wishes she'd travelled more.

Another of my friends hasn't been married long, again she's got a loving husband and everything going for her, yet she's miserable and feels like she's stuck in a rut that she has no idea how to get out of.

I look at these two and from the outside I'd say they have everything - specifically because they have love. But it turns out that they think I'm the lucky one because I'm free to do what I want.

Daft really, I'd give anything to find someone that loves me as much as I love them, mainly because this has never happened for me, and I'm beginning to wonder if it ever will. Whereas they'd give anything to be able to have the single freedom that I do.

Who said the grass was greener on the other side?

Gets you thinking really, are we ever truly happy?

Decisions!

I think I might be floundering somewhat. In fact, there's no 'think' about it, I am. Opinions and suggestions very greatly received.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing, or what I'm going to do, and it's driving me insane. See, I've never been one of those annoying people that find it easy to fly by the seat of their pants, just take it as it comes and go with the flow. I wish I could be, it seems that opportunities and good things seem to come more easily tothose people. No, I'm one of those sad, listing-making people, that like to know what they're doing, when, with who and what's going on. I don't cope well with 'maybe this, maybe that', I like to know what's what.

This is probably painting me as some obsessive control freak, but I'm not quite that bad, honest. I just like to have a rough idea of things. And right now, I have too many decisions to make, I'm scared I'm going to make the wrong one. I just don't know what to do about any of it. I don't think the impending third decade coming up in July is helping, I know it's not over the hill, but it feels like when you're in your 20's, you've got all the time in the world, I just don't know if I've really got the time to keep chopping and changing, delaying what I want and making mistakes.

Surely I should be settled by now? Everyone else seems to be. Or maybe they're not, maybe they're floundering just as much as me, but hide it better. Thing is, I'm not sure I want to settle, I want to live.

I think this is why I focus so much of my time on going away on holiday, it's like it's something to think about, something to plan, somewhere different and a break from not knowing what I want to do with my life.

I suppose that's a lie really, because I do know what I want to do with my life, I just don't think it's the right time to do it. This is where opinions would come in handy.

Ideally what do I want to do? I want to move to Turkey, specifically Marmaris. I want to live in the sun, drench myself in a different culture and change everything. I don't know if this would be a long-term thing, or whether it would be just for summer, but I want to do it, and I want to do it so very badly, it's quite hard to focus and settle on anything else.

Don't get me wrong, I want to do it now, if I could, I'd be on the next plane and I'd be getting seriously involved with setting myself up in a new direction, but I'm stuck because I owe and the sensible (boo!) thing is to sort that out and then go afterwards. It's not that long really, I mean it's three years. I have three years left on my loan and then I'm debt free, and free in more ways than one. If I go now, then yeah I can work out there to meet my monthly payments but I'll struggle with little for anything else and I'll have given up my secure, I suppose, fairly well paid, job, and come October, I'll be scrambling around for anything to get me through winter before the bank knocks on the door. All for six months in the sun. I might want it so very badly, but is it really sensible right now?

I'll do it, don't get me wrong, I AM going to do it, just as much as I want to go now and change everything, get myself out of this hidieously deep rut I've got myself into, will I just get myself into a deeper one, one that will set me back a hell of a lot longer than three years? Just for the sake of waiting for a while.

I suppose there's two ways to look at it - wait and do it properly, because I'm going to go anyway, or take the quite right view that life is far too short to put your life on hold and you should just live it. Whilst I agree with that view very whole-heartedly, I think you do have to be practical to a certain degree, don't you? It's easy to be all romantic about it, trust in life and know that someone will catch you, but the bank won't look at it that way, and they won't take pity on me when I'm desperately trying to find a job in October, that will probably be half as much as I'm earning now.

I just can't bear the thought of another year like the last one. I loved my holidays, I had three, and every second was fantastic, because I was somewhere else, and for some unknown reason, when I'm over there, I'm more confident, I'm more settled and I feel, weirdly, very much at home. I'm not sure anyone really understands, but I have a pull there that for the last four years, I haven't been able to shift, and nowhere else comes close. I've tried as well, I even went as far as Florida and Las Vegas, and yeah, I really, really enjoyed it, but I couldn't see myself there, not like Turkey. In fact, towards the end of our stay in Vegas, I found myself talking about suncream needs for the following June in Marmaris! I know, I'm weird.

It's not even about the boy. Not that it could be, because that's just a mess that a move isn't going to come close to sorting out. I was in love with the place long before I fell in love with him. No, this is about me, and my life, my future.

So if I wait, I'll be 32 when I can go and either move, or work for the summer. But that's alright isn't it?! I mean, Marmaris is full of all age groups, not like my town on a Saturday night, where if you're over 21 then you're seriously over the hill and very much feel it.

And if I wait, I'll go to Marmaris a few times this year, no doubt, so it won't be like I won't be going at all, just not for six months all at once. The thing is, I have interviews and I have assessment days lined up, that could quite easily come off and give me a serious decision to make, one that's even bigger than this one, because it won't be a 'what if', it'll be a 'do I, or don't I'. I've passed so many up in the past, because I've been impatient and put things in motion, but then realised that I had my head stuck in the clouds and I had to wait.

I'm so incredibly bored and so unfulfilled it's pathetic. Do you ever get the feeling that everyone else is happier or more fulfilled than you? I'm sure they're not, but I look around me and everyone else seems so sussed and sorted, and I'm the one they pat on the head and go 'awwww you just don't know what you want, do you?'. Well no, I don't.

So that's my rant for the day, I feel slightly better for getting it off my chest, but no nearer to deciding and setting on a plan. Flying by the seat of your pants must be so much easier .....

January .... one week down

So, it's 2012. We're all still alive, and the world hasn't imploded. Yay! Mind you, I'm not sure what date that's meant to happen on anyway, I didn't watch the film. It's a load of old twaddle anyway.

I hope.  Eeek.

Anyway, so we're alive, and it's January. Everyone hate's January don't they? I'm not the world's biggest fan, I have to say. I ain't so keen on February and March either to be honest, and don't get me started on April and it's showers ....


Anyway, I degress.


So January, it's cold, it's possibly going to snow, everyone's skint, nobody goes out and it's just so damn depressing. The not going out thing is a problem, as that was one of the things I said I was going to do more of this year. It wasn't a resolution, because let's face it, they're made for breaking. It was more of a general musing. And my general musing for the year was to get myself re-aquainted with vodka, and have a damn good time a lot more often. I spent far too much of last year pining over what now appears to be a lost cause. Well, I think anyway, who knows, the world is a funny place.


One plus is the return of Take Me Out on ITV1. Woohoo! Paddy has returned to Saturday nights and my life is complete. God, I'm such a drama queen. I could've been on that show, I got a phone interview and audition date through, but I was too chicken to do it and didn't call back. I don't regret it though, I'd have turned into a gooey mess when I met Paddy, it would've been embarassing for all concerned.


What is also getting me through January this year is that I am going away at the end of it. Yes, my first jolly of the year! I'm off for what is apparently a city break. Hang on, "city break" that's what old people do isn't it? Argh, no it's not a city break then, it's a weekend away. Yeah, that sounds better. I might be 30 (sssh!) this year, but I'm not about to start booking SAGA cruises.


Packing for this "weekend away" is causing me somewhat of a headache. It's going to be freezing. The last time I went away for a few days somewhere freezing was Disneyland Paris, and I didn't really care what I looked like there. I do however care what I look like on this one, so some serious thought is going into perfecting a winter wardrobe fit for a jolly in January, as well as far too much sales shopping, which causes me headaches, stress and makes me swear a lot. Beauty comes at a cost, I tell you.


I've made some progress on the reinvention of the life mission, which is good considering it's only the first week of January, I mean business clearly. I've passed my holiday rep/tourism diploma. See if you want to go work in Turkey, for some jobs, soon you'll have to have a diploma in the area you're going to be working, whether that be repping or general tourism stuff. So I had to sharpish get me a diploma. I'm £80 lighter but I have my bit of paper, so hey, that's progress.


On the shaky subject of that area of the world, we'll get the obvious question out of the way, the one everyone seems to like asking me on a daily basis. What's happening with the boy? Answer - god knows.


And we'll leave it at that.


However, on the subject of the male species, I have come to the confirmed conclusion that they are downright weird. Yes, I have realised this before but bloody hell, they say we're a complicated species. This week I have spent a considerable amount of time ignoring "pokes" from a guy who I know for a fact has a girlfriend. This doesn't seem to bother him, and hey, maybe in his mind this is totally innocent. Which is fine. The emails however, are not so innocent. Shameless, I tell you. Needless to say, he's been ignored and defriended pretty sharpish. Weirdo. Poor girlfriend is all I can say.


This is further evidence that points me in the direction of the convent.


Maybe it's a sign ....


Speaking of signs, has anyone ever been to Sri Lanka? If you have, please get in touch and let me know what's it's like. I've suddenly got this weird pull towards the place. This is all of a sudden, it's quite strange. My grandad was stationed there when he was in the Marines years and years ago, and there was an advert for it on the TV the other night, ever since then I've been strangely pulled there.


Mind you, having looked at the prices of actually going, I'm slightly repelled from it, not pulled towards it.


So slightly more affordable, another Marmaris jolly looks on the cards. Looking at June I think, although I don't think it'll be the only time I'll be heading out this year, maybe sooner, maybe later as well. Who knows? It'll be weird this year. So much about my three visits there last year was totally to do with the boy, no matter what rubbish to the contrary I might've spouted at the time, that I'm going to have to create some new memories this year. I'm up for that challenge though, and it's sunny there, when it ain't so sunny here. There's nothing really bad about it when you look at it that way.


I should've been going to America for two weeks in October. I'm not anymore. I cancelled my place when I got back from Marmaris in October. Why? Hmm .... partly to do the boy I think. I wanted to give it a shot, and having to save up that amount of money to go away to America was going to be impossible if I was going to be travelling back and forth to Turkey all year. Despite the fact it appears to have gone pearshaped, I don't regret my decision to cancel. I'll be sad not to go, and I felt horrible cancelling on my friend, but thankfully she has now booked her family onto the trip and they'll have a wonderful time. I've been to Florida, so it's not like I haven't seen it, and my decision to give it a go really was the best one, despite what I gave up, because I'll never have the 'what if'. And if there's one thing I can't be doing with, it's 'what if'. I've done everying I could possibly have done. It also frees me up to chase my dreams and really put my plans into action, so yeah, I'll miss Mickey and Minnie, but whereas that would have been two weeks of my life, this is the entirety of it. Sort of puts it into perspective really.


So anyway, we survived the first week of January! Pat yourself on the back, well done you.


Is getting up for work in the mornings getting any easier now it's dark, cold and grimy? Is it hell.


Roll on summer readers, roll on summer.

Guest bloggers wanted!

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Well, sort of.

If anyone fancies guest blogging on my site (and returning the favour, nudge, nudge) then drop me a line!

GUEST POST! -- I finally had "the talk"

By: Lilly Wood
Author of: The Lilly Pad

For those of you that have read my blog you know about The Paramedic. For those of you that don’t; I met him in October, I haven’t seen him a lot because we’re off at different times, he’s been cancelling on me a few times, and I haven’t know what’s been going on between us, which has really bothered me.

Anyway, yesterday I finally talked to him about it. I went and saw him, as I didn’t want to do it over the phone (and I’m very glad I didn’t.).

I asked him if he wanted a relationship or if this thing between us was just a bit of “fun”.

He doesn’t want a serious relationship. But he likes me and he doesn’t want to stop seeing me. He had some good reasons, I won’t share them all with you as some of them were very private for him and he almost didn’t want to tell me. I tried to make him see the other side of thing, but I could tell from the reasons he gave that he was scared of getting into a relationship, he was playing the “what if” game… But at the same time I can completely understand why he was scared. I would be in his circumstances.

One of his reasons for not wanting a serious relationship with me though is because I’m going to leave, and he doesn’t want a long-distance relationship. I can’t really argue with him too much on that… I told him that yes, I’m going back to Norway in July, but I can come back. It’s not the end of the world. There’s always going to be “hurdles” in a relationship, you just have to try and overcome them. But he doesn’t want me to come back just for him. What if we break up not long after I get back? Or what if I don’t really want to come back to Australia and I start “resenting” him because I’m somewhere I don’t want to be? What if, what if…

We had a long talk. And although I can understand his concerns and fears I don’t want that to stop us from having a relationship. If you’re always going to be scared of what might happen in the future, and just think about what might go wrong, you’re never going to be happy in a relationship. You just have to get in there and try your best.

So, what’s the result of our talk?

We’re in a casual relationship for now. But we’re also exclusive, so I don’t have to worry about that. I’ll just have to see if I can do the casual relationship, I might not be able to, but I don’t know until I’ve tried. A casual relationship can never go on forever though, it either becomes a serious one or it has to end completely.

Yes, I would rather have a serious relationship, and he knows that and he’ll keep that in mind and think about what he wants. At least I know where I stand with him for now…

Yes, I’ll probably end up with my heart broken. But I’d rather know that I gave it a go than just give up too easy.

By: Lilly Wood

Please check out my blog: The Lilly Pad