This week has been ..... oh god, this week's been weird. Up and down, emotional and just draining. I don't think it's just me either, I've spoken to at least two of my friends who both feel like their lives are going nowhere. Maybe it's January, maybe this is what this hideious month causes us to feel - a total lack of hope and an overwhelming desire to change things, but not really knowing where to start.
If I'm honest, I know the root of my unhappiness, well the main one anyway, and yeah go on, roll your eyes, groan and stamp your feet, but yes, it is the boy that is causing me this. I can't let go. I've tried, good lord, I've tried, but I just can't do it. The thought of life without him in it, in whatever capacity, just makes me feel ridiculously low. The funny (and not ha ha) thing about it is that him being in it seems to make me feel ridiculously low as well, when he's acting this way anyway. When he's being alright, it's like the highest of highs. I think maybe he's my drug, one I need to kick I guess most people would say. I just worry that I'll never find anyone again that I feel so strongly about.
I'm just not at the point where I can walk away without feeling like nothing is ever going to be right again. But I suppose the question is, am I ever going to be at that point, because really, does that point really exist?
You know what the most stupid part of it is? I could hack it, just about I think, I could if I could get the thought of him with someone else out of my head, because that thought makes me want to pull at my own hair. And this is because I have a nasty feeling this will be with someone I know, someone who would quite like to get back at me for daring to have a mind of my own. I know I can't control someone else's actions, and to be honest I think he might have a little bit of sense than that, but it seeems my mind likes toturing itself with such thoughts.
I need to get away. I'm desperate for a change of scenery and some excitement. I'm living at home at the moment, and nobody knows about my little heartbreak in the house - can you imagine what they'd say?! "What were you thinking getting involved with a Turk anyway?" I can just hear it now, and because of that, the sympathy is at an all time low. Which doesn't help because quite frankly I feel lonely, like no-one understands and like all I want to do is cry, but I can't even do that because someone hears me sniffling and wants to know what's wrong. As if going through this alone isn't bad enough.
I gave him one last chance this week .... I won't know the outcome for definite until in 10 days' time, I have suspicions but not definites. I can't really say what it is right now, because people really will think i'm more mental than they already do. If it works, it'll be amazing, if it doesn't, I'll be in bits. But I'll have my answer with no more what ifs, and there literally will be nothing more I can do. So what choice will I have but to walk away? It's a shame that you have to risk complete and utter heartache to get your final answer.
In attempt to get out of the house, I made a point of catching up with some old friends this week. What became glaringly obvious is that nobody is happy with their life, no matter how perfect it looks from the outside. I'm sure they won't mind me saying this, it's not like I'm naming names after all ....
One of my friends, from the outside looks like she has the perfect life, loving husband, nice house, two kids, cars, and all that. It turns out she's unhappy with the way she looks, even though there is absolutely nothing wrong with her in the slightest, and she wants to get out more and wishes she'd travelled more.
Another of my friends hasn't been married long, again she's got a loving husband and everything going for her, yet she's miserable and feels like she's stuck in a rut that she has no idea how to get out of.
I look at these two and from the outside I'd say they have everything - specifically because they have love. But it turns out that they think I'm the lucky one because I'm free to do what I want.
Daft really, I'd give anything to find someone that loves me as much as I love them, mainly because this has never happened for me, and I'm beginning to wonder if it ever will. Whereas they'd give anything to be able to have the single freedom that I do.
Who said the grass was greener on the other side?
Gets you thinking really, are we ever truly happy?