Sunday, 8 January 2012


I think I might be floundering somewhat. In fact, there's no 'think' about it, I am. Opinions and suggestions very greatly received.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing, or what I'm going to do, and it's driving me insane. See, I've never been one of those annoying people that find it easy to fly by the seat of their pants, just take it as it comes and go with the flow. I wish I could be, it seems that opportunities and good things seem to come more easily tothose people. No, I'm one of those sad, listing-making people, that like to know what they're doing, when, with who and what's going on. I don't cope well with 'maybe this, maybe that', I like to know what's what.

This is probably painting me as some obsessive control freak, but I'm not quite that bad, honest. I just like to have a rough idea of things. And right now, I have too many decisions to make, I'm scared I'm going to make the wrong one. I just don't know what to do about any of it. I don't think the impending third decade coming up in July is helping, I know it's not over the hill, but it feels like when you're in your 20's, you've got all the time in the world, I just don't know if I've really got the time to keep chopping and changing, delaying what I want and making mistakes.

Surely I should be settled by now? Everyone else seems to be. Or maybe they're not, maybe they're floundering just as much as me, but hide it better. Thing is, I'm not sure I want to settle, I want to live.

I think this is why I focus so much of my time on going away on holiday, it's like it's something to think about, something to plan, somewhere different and a break from not knowing what I want to do with my life.

I suppose that's a lie really, because I do know what I want to do with my life, I just don't think it's the right time to do it. This is where opinions would come in handy.

Ideally what do I want to do? I want to move to Turkey, specifically Marmaris. I want to live in the sun, drench myself in a different culture and change everything. I don't know if this would be a long-term thing, or whether it would be just for summer, but I want to do it, and I want to do it so very badly, it's quite hard to focus and settle on anything else.

Don't get me wrong, I want to do it now, if I could, I'd be on the next plane and I'd be getting seriously involved with setting myself up in a new direction, but I'm stuck because I owe and the sensible (boo!) thing is to sort that out and then go afterwards. It's not that long really, I mean it's three years. I have three years left on my loan and then I'm debt free, and free in more ways than one. If I go now, then yeah I can work out there to meet my monthly payments but I'll struggle with little for anything else and I'll have given up my secure, I suppose, fairly well paid, job, and come October, I'll be scrambling around for anything to get me through winter before the bank knocks on the door. All for six months in the sun. I might want it so very badly, but is it really sensible right now?

I'll do it, don't get me wrong, I AM going to do it, just as much as I want to go now and change everything, get myself out of this hidieously deep rut I've got myself into, will I just get myself into a deeper one, one that will set me back a hell of a lot longer than three years? Just for the sake of waiting for a while.

I suppose there's two ways to look at it - wait and do it properly, because I'm going to go anyway, or take the quite right view that life is far too short to put your life on hold and you should just live it. Whilst I agree with that view very whole-heartedly, I think you do have to be practical to a certain degree, don't you? It's easy to be all romantic about it, trust in life and know that someone will catch you, but the bank won't look at it that way, and they won't take pity on me when I'm desperately trying to find a job in October, that will probably be half as much as I'm earning now.

I just can't bear the thought of another year like the last one. I loved my holidays, I had three, and every second was fantastic, because I was somewhere else, and for some unknown reason, when I'm over there, I'm more confident, I'm more settled and I feel, weirdly, very much at home. I'm not sure anyone really understands, but I have a pull there that for the last four years, I haven't been able to shift, and nowhere else comes close. I've tried as well, I even went as far as Florida and Las Vegas, and yeah, I really, really enjoyed it, but I couldn't see myself there, not like Turkey. In fact, towards the end of our stay in Vegas, I found myself talking about suncream needs for the following June in Marmaris! I know, I'm weird.

It's not even about the boy. Not that it could be, because that's just a mess that a move isn't going to come close to sorting out. I was in love with the place long before I fell in love with him. No, this is about me, and my life, my future.

So if I wait, I'll be 32 when I can go and either move, or work for the summer. But that's alright isn't it?! I mean, Marmaris is full of all age groups, not like my town on a Saturday night, where if you're over 21 then you're seriously over the hill and very much feel it.

And if I wait, I'll go to Marmaris a few times this year, no doubt, so it won't be like I won't be going at all, just not for six months all at once. The thing is, I have interviews and I have assessment days lined up, that could quite easily come off and give me a serious decision to make, one that's even bigger than this one, because it won't be a 'what if', it'll be a 'do I, or don't I'. I've passed so many up in the past, because I've been impatient and put things in motion, but then realised that I had my head stuck in the clouds and I had to wait.

I'm so incredibly bored and so unfulfilled it's pathetic. Do you ever get the feeling that everyone else is happier or more fulfilled than you? I'm sure they're not, but I look around me and everyone else seems so sussed and sorted, and I'm the one they pat on the head and go 'awwww you just don't know what you want, do you?'. Well no, I don't.

So that's my rant for the day, I feel slightly better for getting it off my chest, but no nearer to deciding and setting on a plan. Flying by the seat of your pants must be so much easier .....

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